The picture that made you click on this post was captured 2 weeks ago. 165lbs 5’8. I’m no longer obese, I haven’t been for months now, but I’m still stared up and down from other strangers who are trying ascertain whether I pose a threat or not.
I’m walking forward and not acknowledging you and yet you’re fiddling around with ur pockets or moving away from me. I could share more but people have a tendency to question what really happened in x experience, derailing the discussion entirely. I’m stuck in Vancouver for the foreseeable future and I’d appreciate it if you just answered the question.
I’m not interested in empty platitudes or comments unrelated to the topic at hand. “What can I change about my face to make the average vancouverite less scared of me”. That’s it. I’m not expecting anyone here to be an expert on anthropology but this is an (mostly, IDK ur OSINT but me personally idc anymore) anonymous forum. Say that I look tired and I’ll look for surgeons who can handle complex eyelid surgeries. Id appreciate candidness. Random assortment of photos I found within the last year. I can’t be half assed to remove identifying information anymore.
People who are upset with you for being “intimidating” are also secretly upset with you for being black.
Your fine the way you are, dude. You didn’t want to be near those people anyways.
Actual suggestion: Grow a full beard and smile like in pic #3. Now you’re that laidback guy who maybe plays Jazz.
Agreed on all points. That’s not the face of a man who intimidates me. That’s the face of a man who covers John Coletrane.
You asked for candidness.
People who feel threatened by you (I assume mostly women) are probably just racist or scared because you’re a man. It’s not your face. Plastic surgery won’t change that.
This being said, I’m a much bigger guy than you and also scare people. I am bigger than them, so it’s understandable. Smile at people, even if it’s fake, so they know you’re not a threat. Say good afternoon, or whatever. I try to dress smartly, wear bright colours, etc. Wear a shirt with an artist print on it, wear a t-shirt from a college, a jazz related print. The black beanie and black coat combo isn’t doing you any favours. That’s not much better than a striped suit and a balaclava. The world’s a stage, we’re all actors. I learnt to act non-threatening, working in customer service.
If you want to do something about your face, consider getting ear studs or something like that. Or do a Tupac and get a nose stud. Not that I think that’s the route you should be going. Clothing will help you far more.
e: and not that it’ll help you much, but bro hug over the internet. This shit’s rough and it’s obvious it’s really affected you. But don’t go hating yourself. You’re not ugly, you seem like a nice dude.
I have no clue how I would even begin to phrase my question so that I get actual answers while avoiding the troll accusations.
I’m glad that we agree that people are racist. It isn’t comforting to know that I’ll face extra challenges wrt employment and relationships because people are scared of my very existence. Maybe I should’ve posted myself in my company attire?
Something about my face is signifying to people that I am black. I already have funds set aside for rhinoplasty. It’s as if people are going out of their way to ignore this and I don’t know why.
In the spirit of giving candid responses, I encourage you to speak to a mental health professional. There are services that aren’t going to be as expensive as you might think. I don’t know how to explain this, but I’m not saying this because there’s something wrong with your head, but rather that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your face.
Something about my face is signifying to people that I am black.
It’s the fact that you are black. Not a you problem. Nothing wrong with you there.
I already have funds set aside for rhinoplasty.
Personally I don’t think you need it. Your nose looks fine to me. If you read this and scoff or dismiss it, why? What reason do I have to say something I don’t mean? Why do you think you need it?
It’s as if people are going out of their way to ignore this and I don’t know why.
I don’t know what ‘this’ is but if you mean the 2 things I addressed before, it’s because to these people, those are not problems, so when people are trying to help you with a problem, those are not the things that they think to help with. This is where someone who is trained to listen and talk about the things you want to talk about would do better. Find a trained therapist.
Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me in a purely egalitarian sense, as in there’s nothing instrinsically wrong with anyone’s race. I agree.
My race is problematic specifically because of people who behave much more differently than me because of the way I look. From a quality of life perspective it would be better if I appeared less black.
I’m glad that you don’t think my nose size is weird. Get your friends from the lower mainland drunk enough and ask them their earnest opinion of black people.
My large nose is the biggest giveaway that I am black, very black. Reduce the size of my nose and I’m one step removed from looking like a black African. Maybe I should reduce the size of my lips? Maybe I need to do something with my skull or eyelids so less of my eyeballs show? Not sure, which is why I came here.
Therapy will make me feel good in the moment but it doesn’t change my reality. Even if I 3nd up spending 60k+ cad on these surgeries(I’ll likely be going to Turkey for the more invasive ones) it will pay off both from an economical standpoint and quality of life standpoint.
I know there’s a better forum for this somewhere, but it’s not exactly like raceswapping is in vogue yet. My uncle openly brags about how much lighter his skin is now and talks about the Lebanese women he pulled, my mother wonders where I got my massive nose from. Jamaicans hate the fact that they have dark skin and if you’re not “black” in a poorly developed african nation you are automatically assumed to be more competent. Therapy isn’t going to even recognize this as an issue, and it’s not something that I can fix alone.
I wish I knew the good thing to say, man. I’m sorry things are like that for you. Honest. I don’t know what I could say that won’t come across as privileged. I still think you should talk to someone. You don’t live in the US south and you don’t live in Africa or Jamaica either. You don’t need to solve every problem you might have anywhere, it’s ok to work on the problems you have in your private life. I really don’t want to make judgement calls on your environment but it seems to me like there are parts of it that are a problem that you don’t register as a problem. Talk to someone.
I’ll address some things directly.
Maybe I should reduce the size of my lips?
I don’t think you should.
Maybe I need to do something with my skull or eyelids so less of my eyeballs show?
I don’t think you need to do anything to your skull or eyelids.
Therapy will make me feel good in the moment but it doesn’t change my reality.
Reality is what you perceive, and there are always things you perceive easier than others. We all have blind spots and fixations.
Yeah ima second the other commenter, this ain’t the kind of thing you’re going to figure out talking to strangers on the internet, this is something to explore and tackle with a mental health professional. Again, not because there seems to be anything wrong with you. But you’re obviously grappling with some major identity and self image issues that will be helped on an order of magnitude better by talking to a therapist rather than surgical intervention.
Man, you’re a good-looking guy as-is. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise - even yourself.
Am I crazy? You look both nice and approachable
Agreed! He looks genuinely kind
He doesn’t look happy in the one with the phone but the rest he looks friendly
Smile, my dude. Smile. And not in a “I’ll eat your firstborn for lunch” manner.
And don’t take photos of you looking downwards towards the camera. That’s going to look a bit imposing because the picture frames you as looming above. Take a pic straight on or try holding the camera up and you looking up towards it.
And smile (it can take practice to learn new body language so keep trying; you’ll get it). Also try and open your eyes a little more. Half closed eyes can signal tiredness, boredom, or anger.
If all else fails, throw on some vibrant, happy coloured clothing. Baby blue, pinks, light oranges, yellows; if it looks like summertime - it’s probably perfect. I met a guy at a conference who felt he had “evil eyes” due to a damaged iris so wore bright yellow glasses with non-prescription lenses just to brighten up their face haha. It worked!
Regardless. You’re a ridiculously handsome lad. Stay positive because you’ve still got way more eggs in your basket than not.
Right? The smile pics up there make all the difference.
The only thing you need to change on your face, in order to look less intimidating, is to smile some
For real his smile is straight up comforting.
You look like Wayne Brady to me.
I think you’re obsessing over your nose when that’s not the problem, and I worry that you’ll get a rhinoplasty and find that nothing has changed. I recommend seeing a psychologist or therapist, which carries low risk, before committing to surgery, which carries high risk (especially if you travel to a foreign country).
Edit: having read your responses, I’m going to guess you came to the internet for validation in your decision to reduce your nose, and I’m not surprised that the internet thinks it’s a bad idea. In my opinion you would be better served putting the money you saved towards starting your own laptop repair business. You could get away from your shitty boss, and filter the people you interact with on a daily basis.
Let me just say, dude, that you are not alone. There are a lot of people who feel this struggle and there is no simple answer to this problem. Because it is societal. You probably already know this but I want to start off with that.
I can see every little thing you think is threatening to others and it’s all there. You’re black. You’re a man. You’re a black man. You have strong features. You wear clothes. And you exist.
That shouldn’t be your problem, but more than a century of propaganda has made it so. Me and everyone else has been conditioned to fear you.
With all that said, I can echo some other comments. Take the advice on fashionable clothing. Aside from the other positives, it feels good to look good. You’ve saved up for surgery, spend it on that instead. Find a fashionable friend and get advice. There are multiple ways to achieve it without feeling untrue to yourself.
Learn to smile as your opener. To others and to yourself.
Most importantly, spend that money you saved on therapy. It isn’t there to fix you. It’s there to help give you the tools to cope with the reality of things. It isn’t bullshit. No amount of aesthetic adjustments will fix what’s going on in your head and your heart.
Candidly, you seem like you’re not in a good fucking way. Get help. Peace.
To put it bluntly, it sounds like you’re a victim of the ol’ racism, possibly aggravated by the fact that you’re a man. Your face looks very friendly to me in these pictures (maybe not the second to last, but you don’t look threatening either there, I get more of a “please don’t bother me” vibe from it)
I’m a large white guy so I don’t have to deal with the racist part, but I get what you’re saying about people being afraid of you.
I see the old ladies clutch their purses tighter when I walk by too. It’s fucking frustrating trying to just exist and see that kind of reaction to your presence.
All I can offer for advice is to be friendly and people will accept you for who you are. Not everyone will, but focus on those that do and make them a priority.
Just a general advice: glasses can change how a face looks. There are loads of different models, colours and styles.
I don’t know if it will help you, as people won’t become less racist, but you could always try it
Yeah was gonna say this, you can easily get glasses that just have plain glass (or even no glass, but people will notice that).
Please don’t make any permanant changes to your body OP, not until you’ve tried everything else.
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Glasses
My friend, I think you might be struggling with anti-Black racism, and I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience that. People who find your face or appearance intimidating are probably racist. If/when you believe (internalize) that racism, that can make things worse.
This applies to everyone - when we feel safe around others, we are more at ease, and will give off vibes of safety to others - and it’s a positive feedback cycle.
If you have had a lot of interactions with racist people recently and you don’t have a support system that can help you cope with that, you might begin to believe that you intrinsically are the problem, and that would cause fear in anyone.
You seem like a really lovely and fun person. I think your focus should maybe be more about coping with racism and mental health than making your face look less intimidating. Maybe reach out to others for support - particularly those who have lived experience of dealing with anti-Black racism. If your boss is racist, getting another employer would be ideal too - but that’s easier said than done and might take a little while to fix. And ideally don’t date people who themselves and/or their families don’t accept you being Black.
I’m rooting for you!!! Hang in there and take care of yourself! You are not alone. I hope things start to get better for you soon! Virtual hug from Toronto <3 :)
I can’t win.
My boss and my friends regularly make racial jokes. Old Asian ladies look visibly upset when they suddenly see me and people have steered onto oncoming traffic to avoid walking in my general direction. Professors think I’m fucking retarded and I have to prove extra hard to them that I’m serious about this class.
I think indigenous people have it worse than me.
It is in my best interest to not appear black. I’m 96% Ghanaian. Even looking vaguely Indian or mixed would be a massive improvement in regards to how society perceives me.
I’ll try using this example:
Being very short in a very tall society as a man sucks. People automatically see you as being less masculine. You will have a harder time dating. Shorter people, regardless of competency, will earn on avg significantly less money over the course of a life time compared to taller people.
There exists really short people who have managed to attain a high income, a partner who loves them and is well respected by the society they live in. This person would also both be out of the norm and will admit that their life was unusually harder compared to his average height peers.
We now have surgery to increase your height. The short dude in question here would be justified in believing that life would be easier for him if he was taller.
I’m very black in a very not-black city. It is ultimately in my best interest to appear less obviously black. I can’t speak for Toronto but I’m not convinced that there is a pro black region anywhere. If you’re white/South asian/East Asian/Arab, you will be perceived as more competent than local Ghanaians as soon as you step foot in the country.
Skin bleaching happens to a ridiculous degree in Ghana.
I know my nose signifies that I’m black so I’m talking to a surgeon about rhinoplasty ATM. It would be nice if people just set aside their need to tell me that it’s racist the way I’m perceived and actually gave me some advice. We both agree that black = bad, so let’s skip over this conversation entirely.
Black does not equal bad.
I’ve known a few Ghanaians in my area of Ontario.
I have a Nigerian friend who used to room with an Indian. The Indians parents thought she was so dark because she didn’t shower enough.
You’re a handsome guy. You don’t need surgery. You’re likely just in a very racist areaI’m white (for what that’s worth) and there’s lots about your experience that to be honest that I cannot relate to well. But you seem like a really good person who’s struggling all on their own (I’d probably guess you don’t have family in Canada at the moment) in a really difficult situation.
In Western countries, plastic surgery for self-esteem reasons does not usually increase self-esteem.
I strongly, strongly recommend you seek counselling (with someone who has experience with racism) if you can access it. Maybe resources are available though school, maybe there are resources available in your city/province. If you can get some professional help, I’d really recommend it. I get the sense you’re fighting a huge battle on your own, and with all due respect I think you’re overwhelmed and becoming a little delusional (which to be fair is an understandable reaction in the face of unsolvable stress).
I’d suggest you say “I am considering multiple facial surgeries to cope with people discriminating against me at school, work, and in relationships because I’m Black. I don’t think I can be happy or successful if I don’t get facial surgeries that make me look less Black.”
If you can’t access professional support, try to seek out or strengthen your Black social support network - find people with whom you can experience community. Maybe a students’ organization, a religious group, etc. I think things have gotten to the point where professional support may be necessary and non-professionals on their own might struggle to help you. Both would be good.
I had a best friend from Ghana. He was one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen, and he was very popular. Nevertheless, his self-esteem was shit. It was shocking. Eventually he got married and he’s quite happy now. But Ghana to Canada may have been a major major culture shock on him that having someone to honestly talk to about might have helped with.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll find much relief until you’re tackling the real issue: your ongoing struggles with and internalization of anti-Black racism (as well as social isolation, perhaps).
P.S. Black is not bad, and if your “friends” are making fun of your race they’re not your friends.
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Have you tried looking more stylish? Do a Google search on “Black stylish person”. I feel having a style that compliments your black features would help you a lot. Looking “premium” or “classy” would definetely help. It feels like you’re very plain, I’m also like you, don’t get me wrong. But looking good is important, specially looking like you’re rich and have your shit figured out.
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Try smiling more man, you’re too serious, looks like you’re in a bad mood if I’m being honest. I’m also a very serious person and I barely smile because of bad teeth, but this is important for your desired output.
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Smell good. Buy a very nice lotion, make sure people are impressed with your smell.
The underlying reason is clearly racism so I’m giving you an advice that would help objectively regardless of the reason. A lot of people do those 3 things even if they aren’t victims of racism.
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Bruh, you look completely normal.
However, when you smile, you look inviting and friendly, but angry when you’re not smiling. Unfortunately, I know rhis too well because I have been told the same thing. I grew up with terrible teeth and rarely smiled, so I generally seemed unfriendly. I worked at smiling more after I got a bunch of dental work done.
So, smile more, you have a great smile.
Wear light coloured button up shirts and blazers on top, light colored trousers or faded jeans down below. Pastel shirts, chino and khaki pants are your friend. Sweaters with the button ups is double plus good. Throw in a tie and you’ll make racist old ladies swoon. If you look like a fashionable working nerd people will respond better. Carrying a messenger bag or a travel mug is very disarming for racist old ladies. You aren’t about to rob someone while sipping earl grey. Wearing dark colours or athletic clothes or trendy, youthful stuff and people will make their shitty assumptions. Shoes are pretty open, just nothing solid black or anything a person could describe as a boot unless it’s a gum boot.
For cold days, wear a white touqe or one with a puff ball, and a scarf. A grey wool peacoat makes a nice waterproof, warm coat. Any kind of not black gloves are fine. Donate that black touqe, in the eyes of some, you might as well be wearing panty hose over your face.
Unless you do the full Michael Jackson, a nose job won’t work. Racists gonna race. You have a naturally kind, handsome face for people who can see more than your skin pigments. Rhinoplasty would make you look weird to people who already aren’t intimidated by you but do nothing to make you less intimidating to the crowd who makes you feel shitty for existing. I come from a deeply religious, conservative, racist, white family. I have insight into the minds of these shitty people. Spend that money on therapy and a vacation.
I was gonna comment on headwear but this comment is full on accurate. My two cents is to skip the skullcap/beanie/toque and wear like a newsboy or driver’s cap with those collapsible ear covers that go around the back of the head on cold days. Racists won’t know what to do with that.
Nothing you do regarding plastic surgery will change people that are stupid. You’re a good looking young man, but some people are dumb. Part of this is your own perspective though. Learn to love yourself as you are and not only will you not be as affected by other’s reactions to you, but you’ll be less inclined to notice them at all (this isn’t a platitude, but a fact hard learned by an old man)
